Jaisalmer, 27 December — year approximate, reconstructed from context.
This is funny, where do I start? Writing is difficult. My hand is not responsive. I’m living in memories and bits of presents. The memories are linking together. Streets of one place become streets of other places. I’m in Shimla at one place, Rishikesh in other. My short term memory capacity is decreasing. My long term memories are placing them instead of them. I seem to be in a perpetual state of Deja vu and I know where exactly it happened in the past. I’m looking through this screen and seeing someone else writing. The page turns. Some decisions, some talks look terrifically clear to resolve, through simple talk you lose your own selfish identity, your thinking to place yourself in other people’s boots. Your fears in form of embarrassment in public come out, of inferiority, not being good enough. Is Praveen seeing what I’m writing? I’ve started to suspect others a lot, like at that Tibetan restaurant. Chronology of order is affected because of apparent shift in photographical images from memory. At one point, there was fear of falling again and again. The distant echoes of far away trucks carrying on towards their journey towards the yellow traffic lights. Of getting late, something terrible going to happen, of a bad adventure, images of that. Hands on the steering wheel, moving here and there. Going on the desert highway, completely desolate, the road that goes towards the border. It mixes with images of roads in Ladakh. The mountains, that same brown colour. The noise of the engine. The outside of my head is far more interesting than the inside of my head right now. I’m only me, consumed by me, like a perpetual motion machine, like a precise robot doing what it wants. My surroundings seem smaller.
A different place I’m, I feel, this is a wonderful feeling. I’m in another place in the mountains, in Kheerganga perhaps, foreigners, this music and surroundings and delay and slowness. I’m somewhere else, I don’t know my current location, I’m lost in my memories so vivid. Like a hippie place with quotes, a meeting, at a rustic place, that brings you closer to know I want to feel. Feelings overpowering, mixing…